Love is Hard Work

"Love is a form of hard work the young can not foresee."
Richard M. Cohen, from an article in O Magazine

I spoke briefly with my dad on the phone last week. Briefly, because he won't talk long, and is usually quick to hand off the phone to mom. If I happen to catch him alone, he still won't talk for long. His southern gentleman humbleness kicks in and he insists you must have something better to do than to talk to him. So I have to be quick to ask questions if I want to get any information on how he's actually doing. And though he won't say it, I know he is tired. It's been a rough few months for Dad. He takes care of my granddad, age 99, and my grandmother, age 90. Taking care of them includes driving to their house almost every morning to take my grandfather to the "Cardinal Drive-In" for coffee and breakfast. This used to be a time for them to visit and relax, but increasingly my granddad is forgetful enough that Dad fears his repetitious comments will annoy the regulars. He often wakes from his afternoon nap not knowing where he is, which means he can no longer be left at home alone if grandmother has a doctor's appointment.

Driving them to their many doctor's appointments is another way dad takes care of them, driving to a city about 45 miles away. Recently on one of those visits, after the doctor's had given my grandmother a clean bill of health (at least for her age), Dad left her on a bench inside while he went to pull the car up to the door. In the span of those few minutes, Grandmother stood up, passed out, and hit her head on the bench. She has struggled with blurred and double vision since, and the doctors are not giving them much hope that her eyesight will improve. In that instant, she lost the ability she still possessed to drive short distances to go to the store or post office, and along with it another layer of freedom was lost and another layer of responsibility added to my dad's. Adding to the load, my mother had knee replacement surgery in August. While the knee is healing well, she had difficulties with some side effects from medications given to her in the hospital. Dad was also her primary caregiver, and while not an invalid by any means, she needed help and transport to her appointments and therapy (she is back to driving herself now). And during this time, she has been unable to help with the grandparents. Fortunately, my dad's brother has been traveling back from out-of-state to help.

We've all suggested they get some help. Help from friends at the least-and they have on rare occasions--and in home professional help as well. My Dad has not pursued it yet. He says he feels that this is something he needs to do--and then quickly will add "wants" to do as long as he is able. They are his parents and that same southern humility doesn't allow for him to pass off responsibility to someone else lightly. He looks tired. He struggles to keep up with his property and theirs. He longs for time alone to do what he loves best--spend time outdoors in the hills and woods of the area. And yet even exploring the option of putting his parents in a nursing home is not something he is ready to do. Not while he is still able to do these things for them.

I tease Dad that when he gets old and senile I will bring him north to my state and "put him in a home" and just tell him he is actually in Florida or someplace warm. In reality, I can't even yet imagine that time. I pray that with the longevity that runs in our family I won't have to deal with it for quite a while. If I really stop to ponder the future, I don't know if I will be able to do for my parents what he is doing for his. Logistics aside, do I have the fortitude to bear that burden? I'm beginning to think that it is a calling in many ways, and not something everyone can do. The same author I quoted above says, "We live in the real world and ask only what reasonably can be delivered. Love is picking up the other when the times come. And come they do." I pray that when that time comes, I will be able to do the hard work required and to be prepared to deliver the love that is needed.