It Costs Too Much!

"I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity."
~Tom Stoppard, British screenwriter and playwright

Take Comfort

"I take comfort that aging happens to everybody. It's part of life. Yes, it bothers me when I have lines of puffiness or droops. But it connects me with the human race. Just like weather is the great equalizer, so is aging."
~Diane Lane, movie star quoted in O magazine

Just taking comfort that even the rich and famous have to put up with puffiness and droops.

Love is Hard Work

"Love is a form of hard work the young can not foresee."
Richard M. Cohen, from an article in O Magazine

I spoke briefly with my dad on the phone last week. Briefly, because he won't talk long, and is usually quick to hand off the phone to mom. If I happen to catch him alone, he still won't talk for long. His southern gentleman humbleness kicks in and he insists you must have something better to do than to talk to him. So I have to be quick to ask questions if I want to get any information on how he's actually doing. And though he won't say it, I know he is tired. It's been a rough few months for Dad. He takes care of my granddad, age 99, and my grandmother, age 90. Taking care of them includes driving to their house almost every morning to take my grandfather to the "Cardinal Drive-In" for coffee and breakfast. This used to be a time for them to visit and relax, but increasingly my granddad is forgetful enough that Dad fears his repetitious comments will annoy the regulars. He often wakes from his afternoon nap not knowing where he is, which means he can no longer be left at home alone if grandmother has a doctor's appointment.

Driving them to their many doctor's appointments is another way dad takes care of them, driving to a city about 45 miles away. Recently on one of those visits, after the doctor's had given my grandmother a clean bill of health (at least for her age), Dad left her on a bench inside while he went to pull the car up to the door. In the span of those few minutes, Grandmother stood up, passed out, and hit her head on the bench. She has struggled with blurred and double vision since, and the doctors are not giving them much hope that her eyesight will improve. In that instant, she lost the ability she still possessed to drive short distances to go to the store or post office, and along with it another layer of freedom was lost and another layer of responsibility added to my dad's. Adding to the load, my mother had knee replacement surgery in August. While the knee is healing well, she had difficulties with some side effects from medications given to her in the hospital. Dad was also her primary caregiver, and while not an invalid by any means, she needed help and transport to her appointments and therapy (she is back to driving herself now). And during this time, she has been unable to help with the grandparents. Fortunately, my dad's brother has been traveling back from out-of-state to help.

We've all suggested they get some help. Help from friends at the least-and they have on rare occasions--and in home professional help as well. My Dad has not pursued it yet. He says he feels that this is something he needs to do--and then quickly will add "wants" to do as long as he is able. They are his parents and that same southern humility doesn't allow for him to pass off responsibility to someone else lightly. He looks tired. He struggles to keep up with his property and theirs. He longs for time alone to do what he loves best--spend time outdoors in the hills and woods of the area. And yet even exploring the option of putting his parents in a nursing home is not something he is ready to do. Not while he is still able to do these things for them.

I tease Dad that when he gets old and senile I will bring him north to my state and "put him in a home" and just tell him he is actually in Florida or someplace warm. In reality, I can't even yet imagine that time. I pray that with the longevity that runs in our family I won't have to deal with it for quite a while. If I really stop to ponder the future, I don't know if I will be able to do for my parents what he is doing for his. Logistics aside, do I have the fortitude to bear that burden? I'm beginning to think that it is a calling in many ways, and not something everyone can do. The same author I quoted above says, "We live in the real world and ask only what reasonably can be delivered. Love is picking up the other when the times come. And come they do." I pray that when that time comes, I will be able to do the hard work required and to be prepared to deliver the love that is needed.

Generational Unity: Is it possible?

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.
Gerald R. Ford US Republican politician (1913 - 2006)

Every generation has grown up with certain church standards, habits, and accepted norms. For example (and this is one of the more low key ones, I think), one generation of women sees dresses as the standard for church attire; the next is comfortable with dress pants, and the next with jeans and t-shirts. Each preference displays a different mindset about something that is not scripturally mandated, but has spiritual thought behind it. For the older generation, the thinking was that you dressed to present your best self to God as a sign of respect. The next generation felt somewhat the same, but the definition of ‘best’ was already changing with the culture. The current young generation feels that it is inauthentic to dress up for worship—they feel it is like putting on a mask. None of these motivations are unbiblical. They are just different. They are a reflection of the culture and thinking of that generation.

In the church circles I work and live in, there is a generation gap that lately seems unbridgeable. While opinions on “appropriate” dress, music, and decorum in worship are the most obvious differences, there are growing differences in focus and changing deeply held attitudes about living out our faith. Some challenges to the status quo include: Is it more important to support pro-life candidates or to support those who are working for social justice (issues of poverty, race, and affordable healthcare)? Is it more important to have correct doctrinal beliefs (beyond the core), or to be living out the beliefs we have by serving others? Is it more valuable to give to missionaries around the world, or to give to local efforts to help the poor and addicted? Should our focus be on those who already believe and have access to tools to grow in their faith, or on those who have not yet begun to explore life with and in Christ. (again, these are issues of focus and not necessarily either/or questions).

These issues are fundamentally more important than ‘dressy’ vs. ‘casual’ and ‘hymnal’ vs. ‘praise chorus,’ but get much less discussion time among the churchgoers I know. As a matter of fact, part of the division seems to be that the older generation (forgive me, those of you who are the blatant exceptions to the rule!) doesn’t even seem to know there are brewing changes in thinking (even among scholars and theologians) on these issues, let alone that the younger generation is concerned with them. The generation I hear discussing the more meaningful issues I’ve thrown out here is the 20 somethings –who seem to have stepped right over the worship service issues, seeing them as a battle their parents engage in that doesn’t really concern them (in my experience, most just don’t seem to see what all the fuss is about—which gives me some hope for our future!) If you haven’t seen this, sit down with your church’s college and career group, or visit relevant.com, a website/magazine that both my young adult children and their friends read cover to cover.

The problem with accepted norms and standards comes when we begin to defend them as though they are Truth. When we are challenged to examine them, we should seriously consider our own reasons for defending them. The issue, that to me leads to offense, comes when we don’t bother asking the generations coming behind us OR the generations who have come before us why they do what they do, and instead condemn and pass judgment on their choices. Do we trust that God is leading the younger generations in what they choose to focus on? Or do we berate them for not focusing on our battles of preference? Do we look to the older generation for examples of wisdom and patience, asking them to stand beside us as we do battle? If we move forward in our churches without generational unity, don’t we all lose?

What Do You Want to Be When You Grow Up?

"All of us in our forties and beyond need to come to a reckoning of what we wanted to be and who we actually are; that's one definition of maturity. Grown-ups can accept that they aren't international opera stars or Nobel Prizewinners in medicine, rather than live in disappointment, they appreciate the reality of who they've become and acknowledge their skills, accomplishments and lessons learned." (Laura Fraser in an article in More Magazine)

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

A simple question we ask children from the time they are very small. When I was a kid, at various points I wanted to be a vet, a music teacher, an author, a poet, and I'm sure a few other things I've long since forgotten. With the exception of the vet, I've actually been all of the other things at one time or another, to one degree or another. We've owned 2 dogs during our marriage, both of which developed nasty biting habits and had to be sent away (one to be put down, the other to live in the country in what really could be considered 'doggy heaven'), so I'm thinking there's a reason for that one. I wrote poetry when I was in high school and won some minor awards, enough to feel my poetic and oh-so-mournful 16 year old soul had been taken seriously. Even without a teaching degree, I was able to teach piano for many years and enjoyed the interaction and joy of seeing children learn a new skill. A few years ago I taught vocal music at a private school, preschool through 5th grade, and enjoyed it, but realized this would not have been a good long term career for me for various reasons.

As far as writer....well, other than the drama stuff, I haven't really lived that one out. That is part of the reason for this blog--I really wanted something that compelled me to write on a more regular basis, with the hope it might develop into more.

Did I want to be a Nobel Prize winner? Nope. Opera star? Maybe Grand Ol' Opry...but no, not really. Did I want to be a church secretary and pastor's assistant? To quote an often used co-worker's phrase...'Are you kidding me?'

Few of us end up where we thought we'd be when we were first asked that question. Is it 'giving up' or 'growing up' when we let go of the early dreams we had for ourselves? Maybe the maturity lies in examining our early dreams for the underlying desire that gave them birth.

The little boy that wanted to be a fireman may have had a longing to help and rescue people in distress. That desire might play out in adulthood to a lucrative career as a doctor or a calling as a missionary.

We shouldn't live in disappointment that we didn't grow up to be ballerinas or major league baseball players, but as Ms. Fraser states, we should "appreciate the reality" of who we've become. I agree, but with one caveat. While I think it is necessary to "come to a reckoning of what we wanted to be and who we actually are", I don't think we should give up so easily on that earlier unrealized dream.

Wanted to be a ballerina? It's never to late to have fun learning to move and sway in a dance class. Wanted to be a Major League player? There are some really fun softball leagues playing for the joy of the sport.

Want to be a writer? Why not start out with a blog? You never know what you might end up being when you finally grow up.

Getting Younger on the Inside

"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?" (seen on a magnet in O'Hare airport).

If you had to totally rely on your inner heart/mind/soul clock, how old would you be? Take out of the equation what the mirror tells you and what others might say. Just imagine. 22? 37? 64? We always tell our children to 'act their age'. If you really didn't know, would you act the same? Are you acting a certain way because it's how you believe you are supposed to act at your age?

Maybe a way to measure is to ask, do you look or act like your mother or father did at your age? This is a tough one, since it's always a challenge to know what they were truly like at that time. By the time she was my age, my mother had already lived with a difficult and painful disease for almost 20 years. She was affected and shaped by a weight that I have not had to bear-limited physically, but not in spirit. I have been physically active, purposely so through my adult life, and the strength and energy boost that comes with that has affected me physically and mentally.
Age really is an attitude thing though. Want to be younger at heart? Don't like the inner age you've settled for? Ask yourself:

Do I embrace change and look for the positive in it?
Do I still seek out new experiences or always choose the safe course?
Do I reach out to others and develop new friendships with people of all ages?
Do I believe in the God who is always making all things new and gives us chances to start over?

I take comfort in the fact that God renews us in our inner being. Sounds like the best makeover to me!

By the way, I guess I'd be 34. Except on some days when I'd swear I'm 23! And others when I'm at least 68! (Decisiveness is not one of my strong points--maybe it's a lack of maturity thing)

How about you?

When Death Comes

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measles-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it is over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

By Mary Oliver

"Don't Look Back"

"Ask me how good I used to be"

I remember it was reported that the figure skater, Scott Hamilton wore a T-shirt with this phrase on it when he was working as a commentator at a competition after he was 'past his prime' as a competitive skater (I'm unable to verify this through google, so you'll just have to trust my over 40 brain on this one!). I've quoted the phrase pretty often-I should get a t-shirt!--because it so often seems to fit. Having been pretty active trying to keep up with my husband and bro-in-law through the early years of my marriage, I got to be decent at kneeboarding and wakeboarding, snow skiing, and even did some pretty 'gnarly' mountain biking trips.

Now, when I say 'decent', I'm not talking "impress virile, adventurous young men with my amazing aerial 360's" decent. I'm talking, 'wow, you're a mom of 2 kids and you can get a foot of air when you jump the wake behind the boat' decent. (I actually was able to do 360's on the kneeboard, but if you've done any kneeboarding, you know that's not that hard). It was exciting pushing my limits, and the bros were usually pretty encouraging ("come on, don't be a wuss, it's only a black diamond run!"). In my high school years, the closest I got to being 'athletic' was being scorekeeper for the girls softball team. Yup, that pathetic. The team I had the most success with was the forensics team. As in, speech team--'prose & poetry' division. I rocked in the duet competitions. I was even asked to be on the local college team before I got married. Stop snickering. It is not becoming.

Anyway, as our kids grew up, they got to be gnarly, awesome snow skiiers/boarders and waterskiiers, even doing some mountain biking (oddly, more my daughter than my son, although he has his own great skills). I found myself falling into the "I used to be able to...." trap as my own skills were waning. Sometimes due to injuries and wrist issues, something I seem to be plagued with, and sometimes, though it pains me to admit it....due to just getting older.

As my husband says, "it's not that you can't do the same things, it's just that it takes longer to recover from doing the same things you did when you were younger". So you begin to count the cost, and somehow it's often just not worth it to be able to impress someone who already loves you anyway (your family) or someone who likes you for you (your friends AND family, if you're lucky).

(you can see here the hubby is reaaallly slowing down...)

I thought about this as I read an interview with Mick Jagger in today's Parade Magazine. He's now 65--waaaayy older than me--and has what appears to be washboard abs and great hair. His face shows a map of a lifetime of partying and rocking, but he's amazingly well preserved. He mentioned that he has to make choices now since he "can’t party as hard and go onstage the next day" and still do a good show.

How difficult for you, Mick!

I liked what he had to say about looking back though:

“My thing is, if I don’t constantly try to move forward, I’m afraid that I’ll just get lost in the welter of nostalgia. I’m not really much of a looking-back person. I mean, I don’t mind having a laugh talking about things, but I don’t really get into it. Otherwise you end up like one of these football players sitting in a bar, talking about how you made that play in the game in 1975. You don’t want to be there.”

So, don't ask me how good I used to be. I'd like to still be that person in some ways, but darn it, you can't always get what you want.

A Peaceful Home...in HD

My mom and dad just bought a new TV. This was a major event, since the old one was NOT broken. This is unusual for them, coming out of the era where upgrading meant they put gravel on the dirt road by the house. And 2 TVs! We may have had a phone in every room (ok, not the bathrooms) growing up but that was only because dad worked for AT&T and got cast-offs for free. Two TVs would have been just...excessive, decadent even. But, they recognized the coming of digital broadcasting and realized they would need to have the capability and those HD flat screens just looked awfully good. At least, that's the reasoning they gave as a couple.
Individually...
Dad: "We got a new TV and put the old one in the basement. Even bought another DVD player. That way when I want to watch a show, I can do it without mom talking to me or talking on the phone during the whole thing."
Mom: "We got a new TV and put the old one in the basement. Dad even picked up another DVD for down there. That way Dad can watch his nature shows and history movies and I don't have to sit through them!
Did I mention they just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary?

Real Grown Ups:Stories of people that are well on their way to being "mature"

Skiing out west is not a vacation for wimps. Each day, you have to get up early (if you are serious), pull on layers of clothes, check and double check your gear (did I get my chapstick, neck gator, mittens?), drive to the mountain on treacherous roads, carry your skis and poles from the always distant parking lot while wearing boots that are designed to hold your calves “comfortably” in a bent knee stance (good for skiing, stupid for walking), in an altitude that your lungs are not accustomed to, in temperatures that are usually unpleasant. Are we having fun yet? We pay for this experience! Ahh, but once we are schussing downhill in knee deep powder, it all becomes worth it. The world comes into focus and we say “This is EPIC!” Or at least that’s what my son-in-law says, but I would agree. But as with many ‘epic’ sports, I am cautious--an intermediate that knows my limits. I can comfortably navigate the “blues” (medium difficulty runs), but draw the line at mountain black diamonds (most difficult).

So I found myself at Copper Mountain, CO, taking a Blue Tour while the rest of my fam hit the steeps and sought out the free snowcat skiing in the back bowls. In our blue group of 5, I quickly assessed that I was the youngest (trust me, it was obvious), and that myself and another gentleman named Les, were probably the best skiers. We soon found out that it was possible to ride the snowcat up the mountain, and ski down behind it on what would be a really cool blue-level run. When I expressed interest, Les offered to come and try it too. We used the buddy system, watching out for each other and exchanging small talk. He was from Washington State, a retired nuclear physicist (I managed to say nuclear correctly, avoiding a Bush moment!) who was on an extended ski vacation. His wife had not been skiing with him recently due to a knee replacement. He planned to ski 14 out of 16 days. We were well matched in skiing ability. So as my husband quipped to Les “either you ski like a 42 year old woman, or my wife skis like a 70 year old man!”

Yes, Les was 70 and 2 months old. After asking if we minded him joining us for lunch and afternoon skiing, he shared a bit more with us. He had climbed 7 of the ‘14ers’ in Colorado (mountains over 14,000’) and had climbed Annapurna, a mountain in Nepal (26,538 ft the 10th-highest summit in the world). He had worked as a glacier guide.

When I asked him how he had met his wife, Betty, he told a rather long story of an ill-fated hike many years ago. Due to bad weather and other mishaps, he had ended up hiking quite a bit with Betty. He was married at the time, they became hiking friends on the trip. A couple of years later, he arrived home following a conference in Chicago to find a note from his wife saying she was leaving him. With surprising emotion in his voice for an event that happened almost 40 years before, he said, "her father had a lot to do with that". “So what did you do?” I asked. “I went and found Betty”, he replied. They have been married 39 years.

A long marriage like that is not for wimps. You have to do things that you aren’t accustomed to and go through things that are often unpleasant. You have to look out for each other when things are treacherous and carry each others burdens. It’s only accomplished through sacrifice. But when you take that kind of risk, and plunge into that kind of love, it is truly “epic”.

A Shock to My System

I’m the same age as Brooke Shields, model (“Nothing comes between me and my Calvins”) and actress (Blue Lagoon, short lived TV show “Suddenly Susan”). Technically, she’s a month and a half older than me, a fact that would have been important when I was 7, but not so much now that I’m 42. In a recent interview she’s quoted as saying “I keep thinking I’m younger than I am. The other day, I was working with a photographer to recreate an image we had done years ago. When I saw my face, I kind of went, ‘What is that?’ I assumed I was going to look the same, and I didn’t. It was a shock to my system.” Shields, a model and actress, must be photographed almost daily and surely has watched herself on film recently (she is in a new TV show, “Lipstick Jungle”). And yet, she was shocked to see herself? Or at least, shocked to see her self as she really is.

I don’t really find this that hard to believe. I’m not photographed often at all and although I was recently caught on a camera phone playing my son-in-law’s new electric guitar, I rarely see myself on film. But there are times when I do see a picture or catch myself on an in-store camera screen and go-“What is that?” We sometimes get a picture of ourselves in our heads and it stays there, in a sort of body image limbo. We do a double take and ask “Where did that 20-30-40 year old go? Where did that more mature, lightly-lined face come from? Did I always look like this much like my mother?”
The same goes for the inner self. It’s easy to find myself living in the image of myself that had been my status quo for years: mostly stay-at-home Mom (with the chauffeuring, laundry, and meal prep that go along with that), part-time music teacher, part-time volunteer worker, available for lunch with friends most days. It had a wardrobe, an image, a routine that while varying wildly from day to day, was pretty predictable and safe. But with age comes change. I began working full time 3 years ago. In the past year my only son graduated from high school and started college, my only daughter got married, and both my parents and in-laws celebrated their 50th wedding anniversaries. The landscape of my life has changed. I look at my daily and weekly routine and go “What is that?” And though I never assumed it was going to look the same, it has still been a shock to my system.

Little by little, I’m embracing this new life stage. It has its perks-no more driving kids around to their events, no more need to have dinner on the table at a certain time each night, less teenage angst to deal with, more time to myself, more quiet weekends. It has its pitfalls-becoming too work focused, going out to eat too much, watching too much TV winter evenings. This blog is born out of this time. I’m eager for a creative outlet, feeling a need to pour out some of what other’s have poured into my life over the years. I hope to share some of their stories and the impact they’ve had on me. I want to share thoughts, images, and articles about ‘growing up’ in a deliberate way. I want to look back at this time in my life in a few years and not have to say “What was that?” but instead see that I did my best to grow up gracefully.